Sometimes You Lose Your Way
I’ve been writing for 12 weeks but the truth is I flopped for the last 3 days. I had a goal to write for 12 weeks straight and then I lost my way. I started to wonder why I was doing it. I had this great idea in the beginning for strengthening my writing muscle. But, I lost my way. I started writing for everyone else. I began to lose the heart, the joy and the pain. When you go to the gym, you can see the changes beginning to take place. You can feel the difference because you begin lifting bigger weights. And quite often, people notice. They make comments like,
“Oh my goodness, you’ve lost weight,”
or
“Well, you’re looking buff,”
or
“Wow, you’re wearing the heck outta that suit.”
But when you are writing, the changes aren’t always so apparent. It’s a long journey and you may or may not reach the pinnacle. You might write a book or you might not. You might write an article or you might not. And, you certainly don’t get people coming up to you to say, “your writing is so much more…buff…these days.”
It can be a lonely enterprise. But, part of the challenge comes because you seek outside affirmation. If you are not 100% clear on why you are doing something, at some point, you begin to seek energy when your initial enthusiasm wanes.
I found I began to think more about what would get read rather than simply writing. There is value in writing what others might find helpful. But, I was on the verge of writing clickbait just for the sake of discovery.
I noticed I had great energy in the beginning and others were with me on the journey. But, the further I went on the journey, the more people dropped off. That always happens. Everyone starts out with great intentions. We’re all excited about the journey. Everyone is saying, “YES, Let’s DO IT!”
Gung ho!!
Crazy energy in the room!
But, then life returns to the forefront and resistance takes over. Steven Pressfield was so right when he spoke about the resistance and what it means.
“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.” — Steven Pressfield
We wake up everyday either with a direct purpose or wondering what the purpose of that day is. Some of us don’t intentionally wonder because we have suppressed that ability. We’ve suppressed it to the point where we have just accepted that the day is. It’s as if we’ve covered our creative mind in a chloroform soaked cloth. We simply wander because we’ve removed the wonder.
We may even justify our current circumstance in our minds because we have a job or our calendars keep us busy. But, wandering may not show up as totally being lost. It may simply show up as being out of balance. It’s easy to get there when you are not 100% certain why you are doing what you are doing. And we all have those moments.
In my case, I had to get back to the reason I started writing again in the first place. It was to awaken a part of me which had been lying dormant for quite some time. I’ve always written but I never considered myself a writer. I never wrote articles. I wrote ideas. I wrote what I was thinking or feeling. Sometimes it came out as a poem. Sometimes it came out as a song. Sometimes it came out as a list of things I wanted to try. Sometimes, it was just a scribble on a random napkin. But, the creative power has always been there.
This journey was simply about being intentional in exploring that power.
It’s been 12 weeks and I’ve missed 5 days total. Where am I exactly? I don’t know. I do know I’ve pushed past my comfort zone on so many days. I do know I’ve created much more than I had even thought about. I recognize that somewhere deep inside I was hoping this 12 week journey would end up being the accidental fortune which would propel my work into a greater spotlight. C’mon. Admit it. We all think somewhere deep down that if we work hard enough for just a little while, someone else will recognize and discover our greatness. Just me? OK. That’s fine. But, the lesson is just for me. As I discover and create, the joy is not always in being able to smile in the moment. It’s in being able to look back and know that you committed to growing in at least one area and push through discomfort. It may look messy, feel messy and actually be messy. But, that mess isn’t the entire story. Recognize who you can be and push daily to create that person.
